The Servant's Quarters

Village of Idiots

I've come to an unpleasant but undeniable conclusion. Well, that's not right. I came to it a long time ago. Today is the first time I've felt comfortable enough about it to state it in public. Here goes.

The city of Detroit is populated by and large by complete and utter morons.

Now, it's really difficult to talk that way because such a statement could easily be twisted into something racial, considering the fact that the population of Detroit is made up largely of African Americans. Let me just state that in no way, shape, or form do I mean to say or imply anything racist in that statement. For the record, I don't believe that the intellectual capacity of the people in Detroit has anything to do with the racial background of those in that population. I utterly reject any notion that intelligence is tied at all to race. I have known some brilliant people of African descent. I have also know some people of European descent who are too stupid for words. Literally. They just grunt their way through life. Right now, both my boss and my boss' boss are African Americans. Both are smart, capable leaders who are excellent to work for and with.

But there's something about Detroit. It seems to attract more than its share of complete dolts. I don't know how to explain it. If you had any doubt after the majority of the city voted a few years back to put Geoffrey Fieger into the Governor's Mansion, all the proof you'd need is right there this morning on the front page of the city's newspapers.

Yesterday, a strong majority of voters in Detroit re-elected Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, a 600 pound gorilla who has spent the better part of the last four years partying with his pals, hiring strippers, purchasing elaborate dinners, and staying at posh resorts while the city declined into near bankruptcy. Oh yeah. He charged all this fun to his Detroit credit card. So the residents of the poorest city in the nation got stuck with the bill for Kwame's excesses.

This morning, I'd like to say a big thank you to the residents of Detroit. Thank you for taking the time to vote. Thank you for passing by Freman Hendrix, a true statesman and leader who may have helped the city recover from what this economy and Mayor Kilpatrick has done to it over the last several years. Thank you for re-electing a man who has figuratively been giving you the middle finger for the last 4 years. Thank you practically guaranteeing that Detroit will continue its slide into bankruptcy, poverty, and corruption over the next mayoral term.

Why do I care? I don't live in Detroit. But I buy my water there. (And the Water Department is run by people who are so upfront and above board that the suburbs have had to go to court to try to find out the formulae that the city of Detroit has for determining suburban water rates.) I live in a city outside of Detroit, and what affects the urban area will inevitably affect the suburbs. So, while I wasn't able to vote against Kwame, his vile habits and lack of leadership skills will inevitably affect me and my family.

So, I'm going to make this one time offer to my neighbors in Ohio. Let's redraw the boundaries between our two states. Just extend the line so that the city borders of Detroit are included in Ohio. You can have the city. I'm giving it to you. Free and clear. You can have a new urban area with its almost 1 million citizens. Michigan will no longer be dragged down by the radical left wing nonsense of a lower right corner that holds our otherwise pure red state at bay. And its free. Just help yourself. We'll even chip in on the expense of having the maps redrawn.

How's that? You don't want it either?

Well, maybe we can figure out a way to airlift the entire city to France. They probably don't want it either, but we'll tell them that Detroit by and large hates Bush and voted for Kerry in 2004. That'll do it. Come on, work with me on this.

(To those Detroiters who were have IQs greater than a tree stump and voted to oust Kilpatrick before he could do more damage to this once great city, I thank you, and I want you to know that my disparaging comments about your fellow citizens are not aimed at you. You did your best. If my words cause any offense, please forgive me. I would also encourage you to move out to the suburbs and join a more enlightened world. The idiots who apparently make up the voting majority in Detroit don't deserve you.)